Feeders and Eaters

See, I don’t get what I’m feeling. I get jealous for the wrong reasons. I get irritated for the right reasons but react to them violently. I’m not sure about how I feel for her, or how she feels about me. I’m afraid she already may have friend-zoned me. It’s not a nice feeling.

I’m not in love, this is not my heart.

I’m not gonna waste these words, about a girl.

                                                      - The Academy Is

I’m not really sure. I can’t fall in love. I can’t feel anything. I already told myself this :

“The best way to not get your heart broken, pretend you don’t have one.”

I’m not supposed to have a heart. I can’t have one.

Well here I am, 6:13 am. I haven’t rested well since this the other day. I had to get ready for this extremely special day. Come to think of it, I haven’t  wrote on this page for weeks. I think my last post was on October 2. It doesn’t matter, I only write when I have something to say, and apparently, I have A LOT of things to say. Sleep enters my mind every so often that my eyelids begin to gain a few extra pounds. I’m stupid. I wouldn’t stand a chance. She’d ignore me. I’m not even gonna try, I know how she feels. I’m gonna let her be. She’s sleeping right next to me right now. Well not literally. I’m sitting on the couch and she’s lying down on it too. No physical contact rly. Smooth.

I’m trying my best to stay awake just so I can cherish the moment we have right now, nothing really sweet or important. I’m just enjoying it. I’m beginning to think that maybe, I’m not just as special to her as she is to me. Well whatever.  I never stood a chance anyway. 

I end this, 6:39 am. Happy birthday.

-

Jasmine Marco, you better read this.

“One day you’ll find a guy just as special as you, and you’ll be happy.”

A quote I made(improv) to help my dear friend, Jasmine Marco.

See, this girl, she doesn’t know what she means to other people, but she finds her value through validation from one guy.

I KNOW! Crazy, isn’t it. I mean, she could mean the world to someone else! But she can’t see that, because her heart is too broken. It breaks my heart to see her like this, such a special girl, blind to the more important things. But I’ll try my best.

She needs someone to remind her who she is, whys she’s here, and what she’s worth. I won’t let her turn into the monster I’ve become, and I can say that my attitude was built on the hands of an ex-lover. I have to, at all costs, make her as happy as possible. She has to see how special she is, how happier she could be if she could just try to be happy. I’ll keep on going, I’ll destroy anyone who tries to hurt her. All for her therapy.

A few things I notice about her :

She has hair that bursts into life

She has a beautiful smile

She glows

You rarely see her serious

She laughs a lot and can make you laugh too

She gets along well with other people

She stays strong

She won’t let some guy push her down

She’s special, not to everyone, but to me.

“She has a broken heart,
I haven’t seen a heart like that since my old one.
And now is the time to start over,
if her heart will let me, and good thing its empty.
cause we need to fit come love in there.”

- A Heart Like That, Brighten

You have to understand that you can’t let him be the one to hold you down. You have so much, you don’t even know. You don’t know this, but whenever you need me, I’ll be there.

A day out with my 2 bestfriends and my 2 dogs.

A morning that comes only with gratitude, joy and dirt.

Yes, dirt. 

My own personal journal, and I haven’t logged in, or should I say blogged in (hekhek), in what? 2 weeks? maybe even 3? What a committer, Nicco, what a committer. So here I am, back again to update this collection of bullcrap I call a ” journal”, just for the sole reason that I have nothing to do, sleep evades me, and hunger is long gone, and boredom has taken over.

I came from a dog walk today, with my 2 best buddies, 2 huskies, and a bulldog. The walk was dirty but fun, tiring, kinda hard, but mostly dirty. So 4 of us, and the bulldog, went on a journey some would call “pointless”. It was very enjoyable though, having the company of your best buds and your 2 best doggies around. OH FOYN, THE BULLDOG TOO.

Enough with this non sense. I have to sleep.